"Today is the first day of the rest of my life" has become morning mantra. You see everyday is a new beginning. It wasn't always my motto. I am a 38 year old mother of 4. For over 20 years I have identified myself as a mother. I suppose I am many other things but it seems my identity always comes back to that. My life is messy as I assume that most are. My two oldest children, 20, and 18, are from a previous marriage that I entered when I was 18. It seemed like a good choice at the time, or maybe I thought it was the only option. Now its just part of my mess. My current husband and I have been married 11 years. I have beautiful, intelligent 12 year old stepdaughter. Together we made a handsome intelligent 11 year old son. However, it too is mess. For the past 3 or so years we have just been living, trying to appear normal, but everything was spiraling out of control. I had given up relying on God and began relying on myself. What a horrible, prideful mistake. You see when you play god you make a mess, a big scary mess.
if it does evil in My sight by not obeying My voice, then I will think better of the good with
which I had promised to bless it;
Jeremiah 18:10
On the morning of June 26th I received a text message that would change my life forever. Up until that moment I was living life in 10 minute increments, really just trying to breath. All the while trying to cover everything myself. My husband is active duty so "I believed" I was in charge of "everything" and when he tried to help I thought he was belittling me. It only drove me to take on more. Let me give you an example:
Four years ago I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. Every case is different and I have been able to manage mine with medicine, diet, and exercise. However, stress is very bad for MS. So two years ago my during a deployment I decided to take on several tasks: 17 college credit hours; homeschooling 2 children; teaching Awanas; and finance person for cub scouts. That is not to mention the normal duties for the house hold. My 20 year son is also bipolar and was homeless with his girlfriend. They harassed me nonstop including at church. Well I ended up in the hospital with two back to back relapses. My husband had to come home on emergency leave to drive me to my families house in Wyoming.
Looking back I can see God trying to get my attention but when I returned home in July I went right back to my routine. When you approach life alone you have no time for anyone. The truth is that everything you think you are doing for others is really for yourself. It's an extremely selfish way of life. I was so caught up in trying to take on life that I forgot to love those people that were close to me. I was doing their laundry, cooking their meals, paying their bills, but I was angry and frustrated because of it. I voiced this often to my husband. He always seemed patient with. I could not see the sin but it was eating at me.
But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth. This is not the wisdom that comes down from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice.
James 3:14-16
In April of this year I got a call that my son's second child tested positive for marijuana at birth. They needed someone to place him with. I immediately said I could do it. I didn't consult anyone! When I did approach my husband he said he didn't think it was a good idea. I was three weeks from graduation, but I could take on a baby. Which also involved my son and his wife who we know used drugs being involved in our house almost on a daily basis. Mess! Isn't that what God would want me to do? Aren't we suppose to do for the weak?
3 Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves;4 do not merely look out for your own
personal interests, but also for the interest of others
Phillipians 2:3-4
It was clear right away that I had made a mistake. The baby cried all night and most of the day and I still had to go to class. Plus take care of my own family but I got this. Mess! God doesn't give you more than you can handle right?
No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful,who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it.
1 Corinthians 10:13
I graduated Summa Cum Laude in May. Then my husband left on a 7 week mission. I took the baby, our 11 year old, and our 12 year old to Wyoming to visit family. Mess! It should have been a nice relaxing vacation but I was miserable. I made everyone else miserable. My life was miserable. My husband was in a beautiful country and I made him miserable. I returned from the trip and tried to settle back into life with a baby and our son. All the while anticipating the return of my husband. God had other plans. He had been trying to get my attention but I just kept ignoring Him. Then came the text. My husband had filed for divorce. He took away the bills from me and he wanted custody of our son. I was devastated. I wanted to run away, I wanted God to call me home, and mostly I was angry. I couldn't believe that this was happening to me. I am almost 40, I haven't worked in 13 years, everything I have I built in this home. IN A TEXT MESSAGE!!! I couldn't breath. I called CPS and gave up the baby. I cut off all communication with our 20 year old and his wife. I begged my husband to give me another chance. He had prayed about his decision and this is what God wanted him to do. He wouldn't be home for several more days and he would continue praying. We spoke every night. I felt desperate. In my desperation something beautiful happened. I called on God and He answered. I would love to tell you that everything is fixed and my husband doesn't want a divorce but I can't. However, I can tell you that God loves me. My husband and I are still living in the same house. He has agreed to give me custody of our son and to wait a year to finalize the divorce. I am on my face everyday.
6 Seek the Lord while He may be
found;
Call upon Him while He is near.
7 Let the wicked forsake his way
And the unrighteous man his
thoughts;
And let him return to the Lord,
And He will have compassion on
him,
And to our God,
For He will abundantly pardon.
Isaiah 55:6-7
God does call us to care for the weak but not out of selfishness. God does allow more than we can handle but if we are seeking Him we are not alone and He will provide refuge. Tomorrow is not promised for anything. The things of this earth will pass away but God is everlasting. Everyday brings new promise and hope for me because God did not forget me. He did not leave me alone to deal with my mess. It's still a mess but I realize now that I don't have to clean alone. Join me as I seek God daily and share what HE has been doing in my life. It's a joyful journey.
